Born Again

The word “survivor” doesn't even begin to describe Darlene San Miguel.
  
Three years ago this month, she was a mother of three beautiful little ones, in an exciting new relationship, living peacefully in stunning Vancouver, British Columbia. 

Just like so many of us, she thought, “I'm doing everything right.”  However, despite everything else favorable in her life, she was diagnosed with Stage 2B Hodgkin's Lymphoma, a cancer of the blood.
  

This diagnosis led to six months of debilitating chemotherapy that affected her physically and emotionally.  Regarding her treatment, Darlene shares, "I was very upset the first time I lost my hair. I socially isolated myself at times, and I loathed wigs."  She also gained 30 pounds from steroids, which proved difficult to lose.  "My energy and stamina aren't what they used to be.  Never being able to reach my old PRs (personal records in the gym) has taken some time for me to wrap my head around."
  
The physical toll is one aspect, but mentally, she kept her children in mind as motivation to endure the recovery process.  "I knew I needed to get through for them."  Much like small challenges that face us all, Darlene applied the same logic: “The pain won't last forever, and I knew it would only get better.”  

Meanwhile, her new partner, Garth, and ex-husband, Jason, deserve praise for surrounding the family with unconditional support--shuttling children between activities and allowing Darlene the time, space, and care she needed to manage her treatments successfully.  "Garth was my main caregiver during treatment, ensuring that I was comfortable.  During my hospital stay, he was by my side even when I wasn't conscious."  

Then, two months on the other side of chemo, she and Garth were pleasantly surprised when she became pregnant with her fourth child --perfectly rounding out the household with two girls and two boys.  "We didn't know if we could conceive or not, due to the toxicity of the medicines, but we were hopeful."

Darlene has a history of giving birth prematurely, and baby Matthew was no exception.  This pregnancy proved to be her most challenging yet.  "We weren't prepared for what happened with him."  





She explains in her own words the struggles they faced.  "I started getting contractions, and my water broke at 27 weeks.  I was able to hold him in for another week until it became unsafe for me to do so.  He was born at 28 weeks, weighing 2 lbs. 13 oz.  It was the scariest time of my life.  Way harder than cancer.  He remained in the neonatal intensive care unit for three months.  He needed breathing assistance for two of those.  Several times he had to be resuscitated--something a parent should never have to witness."  

She sat at his bedside twelve hours a day, feeling intuitively that he would pull through.  "I was able to see tiny changes in him every day."

Darlene and Garth credit the medical staff for doing what they do best.  "We weren't the first people they had cared for in the same way.  They were only human, but the best humans to see us through that time."  



Today, Matthew is a thriving, happy 19-month old, growing alongside his ten and eight-year old sisters, Sienna & Makena, and his six year old brother, Christian.

I wish I could end this post right here.  It would be enough in itself, right?

As if Darlene hadn't proved herself a survivor already, weeks after returning from the neonatal ICU with her newest son in 2013, she and her family were tested once again.  She was diagnosed with cancer a second time, with the discovery of a larger mass in her chest.  This go-around was fought with conditioning and high-dose chemotherapy, as well as a rescue stem cell transplant.  Anxious to be a mother and wife again, she was instead isolated in the hospital for a month, until her immune system was strong enough to be at home.

She recently celebrated a clean CT scan in September and is seeing the oncologist every three months—less often than the every-other-month schedule she followed previously. Ongoing medications to counter side-effects still wreak havoc on her body, but Darlene is finding a new balance physically and mentally. "I am working on taking my thought process away from 'I used to be able to do that' to 'I am so proud I can do this after what I have been through'. All-in-all I have learned that I need to be kinder and gentler to myself."

She even finds it laughable that she's come full circle to her childhood immunizations again.  The cancer treatment destroyed all of her body’s immunity, which means she is starting over with the shots normally given to six-month old babies…at age 37.  

A woman who's been through such trials and come out the other side definitely has wisdom worth sharing.  When speaking of her life post-cancer and NICU, she says, "I am a changed woman. I no longer want to waste time on things that don't have a positive impact on mine and my family's lives. I let my heart make a lot of decisions. I dive into a lot more things head-first, as I realize everything has a way of working itself out. I am open with myself about my feelings, and I also communicate them to others. I see the beauty in what surrounds me. I am living my life full steam ahead--taking on new challenges and experiences. I also take a holistic approach to my health, and feel in control of my body." 

Of course, Darlene is aware that a recurrence is possible, but she doesn't allow that to prevent her from moving.  She has four precious children to care for, a loving (and handsome) husband to enjoy, and two adorable doggies to tend to.

San Miguel is imprinting strong life lessons on her two future FearLess Females as well. She claims that becoming a mother has made her more confident; I would also argue that it's been the gift that continues to give, as she provides a model of strength to her daughters. "I hope that they take my cancer as an experience they can draw strength from. I want them to know that they can get through anything with a strong will and support from loved ones. I want to show them that a healthy lifestyle is not only insurance for (maintaining good) health, but a way of feeling good about themselves in their body, however it may be shaped."

If you're admiring Darlene and her will to not only survive, but thrive, through these ordeals, she advises, "You could and you would survive, too. You don't know what you are capable of unless you have been put in the situation where there is no other option but to persevere."

Darlene is an inspiring reminder to live life to the fullest.  You may not be able to control every circumstance, but you can control how you react.  If it's anything like Ms. San Miguel, it will be with love, courage, and a resilient spirit.

What's It Gonna Be?

"F%#* it.  I'm staying.  Sasha"

This was the message my husband received from me during my recent trip to the Balkans.

Unfortunately, he had not seen the previous message yet—the one detailing my ordeal. Unfortunate timing…poor guy.

I began the trip in Croatia with a group of like-minded travelers I had met online.  The idea was to traipse around the coast of Croatia, Slovenia, and Montenegro, finding accommodations much in the way I prefer--hostels, locals, etc...

However, the itinerary was not panning out in the manner I had expected.  Without rehashing the details, let's just say I wasn't as happy as I would have expected on such a trip due to the rushed schedule.  I was aware that it was not clicking.  It didn't feel like 'me'. 

So there I was, poised on the verge of departing Kotor.  We were all packed and set to conquer our next destination.  My heart was beating so hard.  I felt like everyone in the hostel lobby could hear it.  I glanced nervously at the local owners, trying to gauge if they could help me find my own way back up the coast alone.  My brain was ticking off pros and cons, rapid-fire.  We wound our way back through the old city to our rental car near the sea.

I swung around and drank in the breathtaking city with a huge gulp.  The car trunk popped open.  I carefully grabbed my coat and stepped back from the group.  

In that moment, I decided.  "I can't leave," I said timidly.



The walk back to the hostel through the city was like a roller coaster.  My heart was still pounding and my head was spinning, but my smile almost knocked over the people passing by.  The rest of the trip was indescribably magical.

Why do I rewind specifically to this moment to share with you all?  

Because I made a choice.  It was that simple.  This one was an especially weighty choice, but it was still as easy as me picking what would make me happy and what felt best.    

I've read many, many books on improving yourself, cultivating inspiration, and finding your purpose.  While I wholeheartedly believe you should devour these texts for yourself, I can also give you the Cliffs Notes version in one sentence…ready?

You have a choice.

If you're not happy…if you're not meeting your goals…if you don't have the job you want…if, if, IF...you have a choice.





I've run into some backlash on this when I pose it to friends, but it can almost always come back to a simple decision point.  

Are you not able to find time to exercise?  You have a choice to wake up earlier, right?  I didn't say it was an easy choice.  But you have that power, right?

Do you not have enough money to travel?  You have a choice to spend $50 at Starbucks each month ($600/year) or keep cable for your TV (possibly $100/month or $1200/year!), right?


Do you become agitated throughout your day by the people around you, or traffic, or work?  You have the choice to see the happy or the crappy, right?  You can remove yourself from a group of people, or find another route to work…or, or, OR...

Do conversations with your spouse turn into biting, snippy comments and sour tones?  You have the choice to respond in a neutral or loving way, right?  You have the choice to leave the room, right?  You even have the choice to stop talking and kiss them instead, right? (One of my favorites!)

Heck, I can even choose to think about the day we lost my doggie, and bring myself to tears. Or I can choose to remember that romantic vacation to Mexico in 2007 with my husband, and be transported back to our casita.

I can choose to sit and watch another episode of House Hunters International on HGTV…or I can write my post for this week…or I can take care of the laundry that's been haunting me for a few days…or or OR…  If I get to Friday and realize, “Crap, I don't have something written!”  I know that was my choice.  And here's the awesome part: I can choose how to change that in the future.

If I don't like my job, I can decide to start scouting other jobs online, or look for a training program for another career.  Not have enough money to go back to school?  I can choose to deliver pizzas on the side, or offer myself as a babysitter.



If we feel over-scheduled as a family, I can choose to say 'no' to extra work, or extra-curricular activities, or family events.  

We have this amazing super-power, yet we somehow forget this awesomeness--repeatedly!

The point of this rambling is: if something isn't going how you would like it, CHOOSE SOMETHING DIFFERENT!  It sounds so simple, yet we make it so difficult.  It's not.  I promise. 

Right now, you have the choice to keep trolling around Facebook, or go schedule that next adventure, or book a massage, or sign up for that class, or tell your mother-in-law 'no', or kiss your husband…or or OR...???

The choice is yours.

  

Coaching Corner Series: Strong Language

"As I drove away from my CrossFit Level 1 Seminar, I knew I had found my calling." Tia Rodwell recalls the moment she solidified her dream of becoming a full-time coach. She and her husband had come to CrossFit a few years earlier, and deep down felt they wanted to open their own gym. "We knew we could create a positive and supportive environment for all skill levels. That’s how ODIN was born."  ODIN, the name of a mythological Norwegian god, is now also the downtown Frederick, Maryland gym owned by Tia and her husband Bobby.  

Tia entered the Army at age 17, which she credits with providing her a rewarding experience and important life skills she still employs today. Next, she entered the field of Higher Education Administration, where she worked with eager young students to help them reach their goals. She eventually began coaching part-time; this has become her full-time job since opening ODIN.  

Tia generously shares her words of wisdom on coaching women in this week's interview. 





FF: What type of language or characteristics do you observe from women who are not yet skilled at tackling a challenge? 

TR: Women who are lacking confidence remind the world and themselves of this fact all the time by the language they use. When complimented, they say, "Thanks, but....".  Or when asked to try something new they say, "I can't do that." Or, "I wish I could". They talk themselves out of things rather than talking themselves into doing things.

FF: What type of language or characteristics do you observe from women who are confident, or who have learned how to confront new challenges or cope with learning a new skill?

TR: Women who are ready to tackle a challenge will say things like, "I will do this.  I am not sure how, but I know I can." Or, "Let's give it a try!" Sometimes this seems to be the hardest part. Once a woman decides she will tackle a challenge, most likely she will do exactly that.

FF: How do you coach someone--especially women--to develop that attitude? Is it possible?

TR: It is totally possible! I focus a lot of my coaching time on doing exactly that.  When women believe they can do something, they almost always can do it. I believe that for women, their mind is the only thing holding them back, both at the gym and in life outside of the gym. In order to teach women to think this way, I find you have to remind them constantly. So, when someone says, "I can't lift that much weight!" I always make a point to reply with, "You are unable to lift that much weight at this point in time. Nothing is impossible." By constantly challenging the way people think, eventually their habits and patterns of thinking change. Once women get used to believing in themselves, the sky is the limit.

FF: Can you give an example of one or two women who you've witnessed transform from one end of the spectrum to the other?

TR: I often see small victories that completely change the way a woman thinks. For example, her first successful box jump, or the first time she is able to pick up the yoke or deadlift 200 pounds. Those are moments a woman may not have ever believed possible. But when she accomplished even one small task, she proved to  herself that the seemingly impossible can be conquered.

FF: What is your favorite part of coaching women? Least favorite?

 TR: My favorite part of coaching women is seeing them feel absolutely powerful.  Many women don't have that feeling often enough. But when a woman puts a barbell over her head, she feels powerful and untouchable. Seeing that never gets old.  

My least favorite is seeing how many women talk themselves out of doing things.  They seem to spend so much time and effort convincing themselves they can't do something, rather than working to do it.  Although this is my least favorite, it is also my favorite thing to help women overcome.

FF: How do skills learned in the gym translate to outside the gym?

TR: What happens in the gym absolutely transfers to the “real' world”. That powerful feeling I was talking about is so useful in other situations. Knowing you are able to do more than you ever imagined in the gym causes you to think, "If I can do THAT, what else can I do?" I often try to help women make that connection when they accomplish something in the gym. If someone gets their first-ever box jump, after celebrating with them for a minute I usually ask, "What else can you do?” And the answer is: “Anything!"

FF: If you could grab every woman by the shoulders (especially during a difficult session) and look them in the eyes, what would you tell them? What would you say to get them back in the game?

TR: “You are amazing. You are beautiful and wonderful and strong and amazing.  You can do anything in the world you want to do. You just have to believe in YOU!”

Tia currently resides in Frederick, Maryland with her husband Bobby and ten year old son Joseph.  You can find more information about Odin CrossFit at...

www.OdinCrossFit.com 

Future FearLess Females

“Be the woman I want my daughter to become.”

This is my mantra when it comes to raising my own future FearLess Female.

When I face a choice or challenge, I often ask myself, “What would you do if she were watching?”  If she were in my position, how would I advise her? 





I have learned so much along my own journey, and I wish to pass along to her all the knowledge, wisdom, and confidence possible.  

I will do my best to teach her that she is perfect just as she is.  On the one hand, she is unique and has her own special spirit, but she is also a member of the global community, which includes other unique souls following their own paths. 

I hope she stays true to herself and goes after what she wants, without concern for naysayers or what may appear to be limiting factors.  I want her to climb mountains, swim in the sea, write a book, do work she's passionate about, serve others, discover the world. ..and in the end, come home to her loving family.  

Oh, who am I trying to kid… I want to be right there alongside her!

Below, mothers share their wishes for their daughters--future FearLess Females-- and talk about how they create an environment to help make those dreams become reality. 

Lori Rypka

About three years ago, my shy daughter expressed an interest in martial arts. I took her to a studio owned by folks I know, so that she would be more comfortable. When she realized she would have to use her voice, she said she wasn't ready, and I respected that. 


A year later, she came to me on her own and said she wanted to try again. I took he,r and she let go of what she was afraid of and used her voice. I joined her, my son and eventually my husband in class. 

Since we started training over 2 years ago, she has blossomed into a more confident little girl who is more willing to face her fears. She is no longer worried about speaking up, and gives presentations in school with ease. She has also learned how to take constructive criticism without getting upset. 

It has been such a privilege to be a part of her journey in this. It hasn't always been easy! I couldn't be more proud of her!

Julie Havens

I picked the name "Riley" for my baby for a reason. "Riley" means "courageous” or “valiant", and it's those traits that I most wanted for her. I want her to never be afraid to stand up for herself, to speak up against injustice, and to care for herself and others. I want her to be a gladiator. However, words don't mean anything unless they're followed by action. I lead by example-- my daughter is too young right now to recognize the times when I show courage by standing up for different people and groups, or by helping others when I can, but one day she will.  She will grow up knowing how to do the right thing and help others, because that's what she'll see me do.

Tamijo Coleman

I have brought my daughter to watch me work out once in a while, so she could get some exposure to fitness. I've also showed her pictures and videos of me working out. I have many home videos of my old days playing sports in high school and college, plus the Deaf Olympics. I could see that my daughter wants to do that someday, herself. My hopes and wishes for my daughter are that she becomes a confident lady who is happy and content with what she is doing. I want her to live a healthy lifestyle filled with happiness. 

Nicole Morouse

Much of what my Husband and I teach our kids is based on our faith and what we believe in our hearts about God's love for us: that He created each of us for something incredibly unique.  It helps a great deal that my husband and I both believe that, about what God has made us to do. We both love our careers and feel that we were called to them, and to the journey of bringing up our family! 

I was unfortunately at one time involved in a very abusive relationship. Teaching my daughter personal value and self worth is very important to me. I also want to model that women are strong and can accomplish anything. CrossFit helps a lot with that! She loves watching me WOD (Workout of the Day) and I think she truly looks up to me because of how hard she sees me work at being healthy for myself and for our family.

Judi Rockhill

I think (hope) I teach my kids to think independently and to not follow the crowd.  That’s a hard thing to do in the teenage/middle school years.  It’s tough to teach them that a sweater or song or book they like is okay, even if their friends don’t like it.  Peer pressure is a tough barrier to get across.

One thing I do that I really enjoy is teach them to leave a positive impact on a daily basis.  For us that means a dinnertime ritual of sharing “What did you do for someone else today?” or “How did you leave a positive impact today?”  It encourages them to think about their behavior and realize their actions --even small ones--can make a difference to someone.

Sari Sheridan

I wish for my daughter to grow up to be a strong, independent woman, who understands that she does not need a man to make her feel worthy of love and affection. I wish for her to be confident in herself and walk through life with a sense of humility. 


I dream that she grows to be everything she aspires to be, and that she is motivated to achieve those goals. I dream that she is supportive of others and willing to give to those who need it the most. I hope that she does not pressure herself to win all the time, and that she will understand that it is okay to lose sometimes. I hope that no matter whether she wins or loses, she will do either with dignity and class. I hope that she is healthy, happy, and fulfilled. I hope that she laughs more than she cries, and she loves more than she hurts.

As her mother I will foster these wishes, dreams, and hopes by setting the example within myself. I will surround her with only those who will motivate her to be the best version of herself. I will encourage her to always believe in herself and to not let the doubts of others become hers. The unconditional Love and support from her parents will be the stepping stone to her becoming a “FearLess Female.”

From Vision to Reality

"No!" I exclaimed in horror as I watched my little iPhone screen.  "Don't do it, Kisha!"  I continued helplessly.

That shock quickly subsided to goosebumps as Kisha Hopwood gracefully slipped out of a (perfectly working) airplane.  The background music accompanying the video triggered that lump-in-the-throat feeling you get when you see someone do something awe-inspiring.  

She continued on to narrate her own experience to the Go Pro camera via American Sign Language.  She relayed the beauty of the view below in a way that only a visual language can do.  

Her face said the rest without a word--or sign.  You could watch as the joy and excitement transformed into a few moments of fear, and then quickly faded into a peaceful demeanor.  She recalls this as a moment she most definitely felt fearless. 

There naturally was anxiety leading up to her jump.  "You could die.  You hit the ground, and you're done.  You can't get your life back."  Her mind raced with fears of death--not to mention the fact that she cannot swim yet, and her dive was over the beach of Ocean City, Maryland.  However, once the realization hit that she was indeed very much still alive, she allowed the moment to fully sink in.  She stared death in the face and not only survived, but actually enjoyed it.

This experience exceeded any risks she had taken before.  And like many FFs I meet, after conquering this feat, her mind became open to even greater challenges, with an "if I can do this, what else can I do?" mentality.

Not long before this, I also watched videos and pictures of Kisha embarking on her first solo European trip.  For her, this also represented a challenge she had hoped to overcome. Although less death-defying, it was still a goal she had set to test her abilities and expand her horizons.  

Tired of the same old boring routine, she made the last-minute decision to set off on a grand adventure.  Much to her family's shock, she didn't even tell them until the day before she left.  Her travels took her to London, Paris, and Amsterdam.  Being Deaf in America has its own set of challenges, but navigating foreign languages added a whole new layer of complexity.

Kisha recounts this trip as being full of mixed emotions; but in hindsight, it was an overwhelmingly positive experience.  She encountered a diverse group of new friends with completely different perspectives and cultures.  It opened her mind even wider than before, to the possibility of approaching life differently.

Not only did she interact with great, new people, she also allowed herself to get lost.  Being without a schedule or itinerary was a bit disorienting at first, but served as an opportunity to simply follow her intuition and see where it led.  Kisha confided that she wouldn't mind being lost on an island for a future challenge.

In between ambitious adventures, she enjoys all things outdoors: hiking, biking, and climbing anything that allows her a great view. 

On tap for upcoming ventures are traveling to Africa and Brazil, white water rafting, riding an ATV, and even possibly writing a book.  Or perhaps you'll even find her zenned out in Bali.




You may be thinking that Hopwood must be unusually lucky, but she will tell you that she believes most of her activities were predestined. 

In 2006, Rhonda Byrne popularized the already-established Law of Attraction in her best-selling book The Secret.  The text outlines the process of a "vision board", in which you collage pictures and words that represent your aspirations.  The key is to maintain these images as a visual affirmation until they materialize.  

Kisha constructed her own montage of dreams and goals, which included skydiving and traveling.  One by one, she ticks off these fantasies turned reality--So much so that she is currently considering ideas for her next board.

She also attributes her newfound lease on life to many spiritual and inspirational books, speakers, and events in addition to The Secret.  But it could easily be argued that Kisha was already a free spirit--just in need of an extra nudge to realize her true nature.

She shared one experience from when she was nine years old, in which her mother drove her to the airport and sent her--alone and confused--to stay in Jamaica for two months with a friend.  Hopwood's family history runs deep into the island, but she grew up in Florida with her single mother and two older brothers.  Her mother later enlightened her to the purpose of this trip, but at the time, Kisha just went with the flow.  She innocently braved her way through what many considered dangerous neighborhoods, wandering from place to place by herself and befriending the local people along the way. This became the first of three such trips, during which she learned a bit more about herself and life each time.  Bolstered by the support of her mother, she also employed her own natural tendencies toward confidence, independence, and fearlessness to make her way. 

Similarly, her mother also brought her to Gallaudet University as a teenager and declared that Kisha would attend after high school.  Gallaudet is a Deaf university in Washington, DC which is a sizable distance from her closest family in Atlanta and Florida.  She nonchalantly thought 'Whatever, mom.  We'll see.'  Sure enough, that's what happened.  Hopwood was, once again, on her own.  But this time, she was equipped with the skills from past experiences to fend for herself.   

The same characteristics that guided her then, still make her a compelling person to be around.  She is confident, determined, friendly, down-to-earth, out-going, laid-back--and also a bit stubborn.  She wears proudly the label her mother once gave her of "go getter".  She also possesses an understated charm, which is evident in her warm smile and easygoing attitude.


Kisha may be easygoing when it comes to personal style, but she has a strong message for fellow females facing fears of their own. Here is some advice, in her own words: 
  

"If you don't like your life now--the same old routine over and over again--redesign it.  You don't want to look back on your life filled with regret for the things you didn't do.  You cannot predict the future, so why not seize the moment now?”  

“Make sure you become comfortable outside your comfort zone.  It may be awkward at first, but eventually you will become used to it.  You never know how something will turn out—good or bad--until you try it.”

“Recognize your negative self-talk and begin to practice positive affirmations.”

“Don't let the news (reports) and other (people) inflict fear on you.  Don't let society get in your way.  You control you.”

“Make a list of your fears, and (then) confront them, one by one.  As you overcome them, release them.  You never know where they may lead you.  With each success, your confidence will grow stronger and stronger."

Kisha Hopwood is living proof that if you can release the fear, take control of your life, and confront your self-imposed limits, you can transform almost any vision into a reality.

Kisha currently resides in the suburbs of Washington, DC, and works for the federal government.  After Gallaudet, she continued to earn an advanced degree at Trinity University - also in DC.