Born Again

The word “survivor” doesn't even begin to describe Darlene San Miguel.
  
Three years ago this month, she was a mother of three beautiful little ones, in an exciting new relationship, living peacefully in stunning Vancouver, British Columbia. 

Just like so many of us, she thought, “I'm doing everything right.”  However, despite everything else favorable in her life, she was diagnosed with Stage 2B Hodgkin's Lymphoma, a cancer of the blood.
  

This diagnosis led to six months of debilitating chemotherapy that affected her physically and emotionally.  Regarding her treatment, Darlene shares, "I was very upset the first time I lost my hair. I socially isolated myself at times, and I loathed wigs."  She also gained 30 pounds from steroids, which proved difficult to lose.  "My energy and stamina aren't what they used to be.  Never being able to reach my old PRs (personal records in the gym) has taken some time for me to wrap my head around."
  
The physical toll is one aspect, but mentally, she kept her children in mind as motivation to endure the recovery process.  "I knew I needed to get through for them."  Much like small challenges that face us all, Darlene applied the same logic: “The pain won't last forever, and I knew it would only get better.”  

Meanwhile, her new partner, Garth, and ex-husband, Jason, deserve praise for surrounding the family with unconditional support--shuttling children between activities and allowing Darlene the time, space, and care she needed to manage her treatments successfully.  "Garth was my main caregiver during treatment, ensuring that I was comfortable.  During my hospital stay, he was by my side even when I wasn't conscious."  

Then, two months on the other side of chemo, she and Garth were pleasantly surprised when she became pregnant with her fourth child --perfectly rounding out the household with two girls and two boys.  "We didn't know if we could conceive or not, due to the toxicity of the medicines, but we were hopeful."

Darlene has a history of giving birth prematurely, and baby Matthew was no exception.  This pregnancy proved to be her most challenging yet.  "We weren't prepared for what happened with him."  





She explains in her own words the struggles they faced.  "I started getting contractions, and my water broke at 27 weeks.  I was able to hold him in for another week until it became unsafe for me to do so.  He was born at 28 weeks, weighing 2 lbs. 13 oz.  It was the scariest time of my life.  Way harder than cancer.  He remained in the neonatal intensive care unit for three months.  He needed breathing assistance for two of those.  Several times he had to be resuscitated--something a parent should never have to witness."  

She sat at his bedside twelve hours a day, feeling intuitively that he would pull through.  "I was able to see tiny changes in him every day."

Darlene and Garth credit the medical staff for doing what they do best.  "We weren't the first people they had cared for in the same way.  They were only human, but the best humans to see us through that time."  



Today, Matthew is a thriving, happy 19-month old, growing alongside his ten and eight-year old sisters, Sienna & Makena, and his six year old brother, Christian.

I wish I could end this post right here.  It would be enough in itself, right?

As if Darlene hadn't proved herself a survivor already, weeks after returning from the neonatal ICU with her newest son in 2013, she and her family were tested once again.  She was diagnosed with cancer a second time, with the discovery of a larger mass in her chest.  This go-around was fought with conditioning and high-dose chemotherapy, as well as a rescue stem cell transplant.  Anxious to be a mother and wife again, she was instead isolated in the hospital for a month, until her immune system was strong enough to be at home.

She recently celebrated a clean CT scan in September and is seeing the oncologist every three months—less often than the every-other-month schedule she followed previously. Ongoing medications to counter side-effects still wreak havoc on her body, but Darlene is finding a new balance physically and mentally. "I am working on taking my thought process away from 'I used to be able to do that' to 'I am so proud I can do this after what I have been through'. All-in-all I have learned that I need to be kinder and gentler to myself."

She even finds it laughable that she's come full circle to her childhood immunizations again.  The cancer treatment destroyed all of her body’s immunity, which means she is starting over with the shots normally given to six-month old babies…at age 37.  

A woman who's been through such trials and come out the other side definitely has wisdom worth sharing.  When speaking of her life post-cancer and NICU, she says, "I am a changed woman. I no longer want to waste time on things that don't have a positive impact on mine and my family's lives. I let my heart make a lot of decisions. I dive into a lot more things head-first, as I realize everything has a way of working itself out. I am open with myself about my feelings, and I also communicate them to others. I see the beauty in what surrounds me. I am living my life full steam ahead--taking on new challenges and experiences. I also take a holistic approach to my health, and feel in control of my body." 

Of course, Darlene is aware that a recurrence is possible, but she doesn't allow that to prevent her from moving.  She has four precious children to care for, a loving (and handsome) husband to enjoy, and two adorable doggies to tend to.

San Miguel is imprinting strong life lessons on her two future FearLess Females as well. She claims that becoming a mother has made her more confident; I would also argue that it's been the gift that continues to give, as she provides a model of strength to her daughters. "I hope that they take my cancer as an experience they can draw strength from. I want them to know that they can get through anything with a strong will and support from loved ones. I want to show them that a healthy lifestyle is not only insurance for (maintaining good) health, but a way of feeling good about themselves in their body, however it may be shaped."

If you're admiring Darlene and her will to not only survive, but thrive, through these ordeals, she advises, "You could and you would survive, too. You don't know what you are capable of unless you have been put in the situation where there is no other option but to persevere."

Darlene is an inspiring reminder to live life to the fullest.  You may not be able to control every circumstance, but you can control how you react.  If it's anything like Ms. San Miguel, it will be with love, courage, and a resilient spirit.

What's It Gonna Be?

"F%#* it.  I'm staying.  Sasha"

This was the message my husband received from me during my recent trip to the Balkans.

Unfortunately, he had not seen the previous message yet—the one detailing my ordeal. Unfortunate timing…poor guy.

I began the trip in Croatia with a group of like-minded travelers I had met online.  The idea was to traipse around the coast of Croatia, Slovenia, and Montenegro, finding accommodations much in the way I prefer--hostels, locals, etc...

However, the itinerary was not panning out in the manner I had expected.  Without rehashing the details, let's just say I wasn't as happy as I would have expected on such a trip due to the rushed schedule.  I was aware that it was not clicking.  It didn't feel like 'me'. 

So there I was, poised on the verge of departing Kotor.  We were all packed and set to conquer our next destination.  My heart was beating so hard.  I felt like everyone in the hostel lobby could hear it.  I glanced nervously at the local owners, trying to gauge if they could help me find my own way back up the coast alone.  My brain was ticking off pros and cons, rapid-fire.  We wound our way back through the old city to our rental car near the sea.

I swung around and drank in the breathtaking city with a huge gulp.  The car trunk popped open.  I carefully grabbed my coat and stepped back from the group.  

In that moment, I decided.  "I can't leave," I said timidly.



The walk back to the hostel through the city was like a roller coaster.  My heart was still pounding and my head was spinning, but my smile almost knocked over the people passing by.  The rest of the trip was indescribably magical.

Why do I rewind specifically to this moment to share with you all?  

Because I made a choice.  It was that simple.  This one was an especially weighty choice, but it was still as easy as me picking what would make me happy and what felt best.    

I've read many, many books on improving yourself, cultivating inspiration, and finding your purpose.  While I wholeheartedly believe you should devour these texts for yourself, I can also give you the Cliffs Notes version in one sentence…ready?

You have a choice.

If you're not happy…if you're not meeting your goals…if you don't have the job you want…if, if, IF...you have a choice.





I've run into some backlash on this when I pose it to friends, but it can almost always come back to a simple decision point.  

Are you not able to find time to exercise?  You have a choice to wake up earlier, right?  I didn't say it was an easy choice.  But you have that power, right?

Do you not have enough money to travel?  You have a choice to spend $50 at Starbucks each month ($600/year) or keep cable for your TV (possibly $100/month or $1200/year!), right?


Do you become agitated throughout your day by the people around you, or traffic, or work?  You have the choice to see the happy or the crappy, right?  You can remove yourself from a group of people, or find another route to work…or, or, OR...

Do conversations with your spouse turn into biting, snippy comments and sour tones?  You have the choice to respond in a neutral or loving way, right?  You have the choice to leave the room, right?  You even have the choice to stop talking and kiss them instead, right? (One of my favorites!)

Heck, I can even choose to think about the day we lost my doggie, and bring myself to tears. Or I can choose to remember that romantic vacation to Mexico in 2007 with my husband, and be transported back to our casita.

I can choose to sit and watch another episode of House Hunters International on HGTV…or I can write my post for this week…or I can take care of the laundry that's been haunting me for a few days…or or OR…  If I get to Friday and realize, “Crap, I don't have something written!”  I know that was my choice.  And here's the awesome part: I can choose how to change that in the future.

If I don't like my job, I can decide to start scouting other jobs online, or look for a training program for another career.  Not have enough money to go back to school?  I can choose to deliver pizzas on the side, or offer myself as a babysitter.



If we feel over-scheduled as a family, I can choose to say 'no' to extra work, or extra-curricular activities, or family events.  

We have this amazing super-power, yet we somehow forget this awesomeness--repeatedly!

The point of this rambling is: if something isn't going how you would like it, CHOOSE SOMETHING DIFFERENT!  It sounds so simple, yet we make it so difficult.  It's not.  I promise. 

Right now, you have the choice to keep trolling around Facebook, or go schedule that next adventure, or book a massage, or sign up for that class, or tell your mother-in-law 'no', or kiss your husband…or or OR...???

The choice is yours.