Grace Under Fire

Military aircraft paint the sky against the backdrop of a large mountain range in Afghanistan.  Jess Kissane shares her life, wisdom, and (*please note*) uncensored wicked sense of humor from a temporary base near Kabul.  At the moment, she is three months into a nine month deployment.

Not long ago, she was soaking in the wonders of her new home, Oahu, in Hawaii.  After settling in, she was shipped off to Ft. Bliss temporarily, then briefly held over in Kuwait City, and packed like a sardine on her way to Bagram. Finally, she arrived to work at Camp Phoenix.  Now, she finds herself in transition again as the military shifts its focus and locations.

On a Personal Note

FF:  Please describe your family, early life, current status.

JK:  I’m an Army Brat and actually claim two hometowns. The first is Heidelberg, Germany, where I lived from ages 9-16, and the second is Frederick, MD, where I lived from 16 until I left for the military in 2012.

My dad was an Army officer and my mom was a nurse practitioner, so we were comfortably middle-class. I was lucky enough that my parents wanted to expose my younger brother and me to different cultures.  They took advantage of living overseas, and we traveled every chance possible to experience the customs of countries around us. Of course, being a bratty teenager, I didn’t always appreciate this. I can remember a particularly fun argument with the words, “But I don’t WANNA go to Italy (AGAIN!)!! I wanna stay here and hang out with my FRIENDS! YOU’RE RUINING MY LIFE!”  Yes, I have apologized and thanked my parents numerous times since. Teenage Jess was an asshole.

I am divorced, single, no kids, and was living on the island of Oahu in Hawaii before I deployed.  That’s where I will go back to. I’m a social worker in the Army.

FF:  What is your educational background, and how did you become a social worker?

JK:  My parents always put an emphasis on education and career. There were two choices for my future, according to my parents: military or college. I didn’t particularly want to do either, but decided on college since I didn’t want to live my life “being told what to do all the time”. 

College: Round One was similar to Pauly Shore's experience in the movie Son-in-Law.  I majored in everything under the sun: psychology, business, political science (which was particularly laughable) and philosophy.  If basket weaving had been offered, I probably would have majored in that, too. 

Directionless as I was, I dropped out after three years and began working with kids in a residential treatment center, where I discovered the field of social work. It seemed to meet the criteria of what I wanted to do with my life--Help people: check! Support the underdog: check! Great pay: yeesh,…well, two outta three ain’t bad. I worked with kids for three years, as well as with sexual assault and domestic violence survivors through a local non-profit organization.

I went back to school, graduated top of my class, then went directly into grad school on the Advanced Standing program, which meant I could finish in 36 credits instead of 60. My concentration was in Public 
Policy and Social Justice, with a secondary concentration in clinical work. 

I had grand plans of moving to D.C. after graduation and becoming a powerful lobbyist on behalf of those oppressed and under-served.  Instead, a job at the local detention center fell into my lap, and I worked with adult inmates until I joined the military.

Civilian to Soldier

FF:  How and why did you join the Army?

JK:  I decided to join the military in my early 30s after a drunken conversation with my best friend.  We decided we were going to visit a recruiter and see if we could join together. The next morning I woke up with a headache and her looking at me saying, “Can you believe we decided to join the military last night!? We wuz druuuunk!”  And I was all, “I know! WTF were we think… oh wait…you know what? I’m gonna do it."

On a more serious note, I was also noticing the number of vets that were getting caught up in the criminal system. A quick “social workers in the military” Google search informed me that there was a serious need for active duty social workers. Deciding on the Army was an easy choice, since that’s what I had grown up with.

FF:  What has been your experience joining at a later age?

JK:  I braced myself for being the oldest person in BOLC (Basic Officer Leadership Course), but there were actually more of "us" than I expected. I think any obstacles would have been in my head. Due to starting CrossFit in my early 30s, I was in the best shape of my life when I went into training.  I feel like being older has been an advantage, especially in my line of work, as I was able to have a decade of civilian experience before coming into the military.

FF:  What did your training entail?

JK:  I went to BOLC, which is located in San Antonio and consists of five to six weeks of classroom time, three weeks in the field, and two weeks of specialty training in your particular field (mine being social work). Basically, this was a crash course in everything Army: drill and ceremony, ruck marches, formations, history, rank structure--and most of all, the concept of "hurry up and wait". 

FF:  Do you feel safe on deployment?

JK:  I feel as safe as I can, given the location I am in. I trust that the security forces are going to do their jobs to protect me, and that I know what to do when experiencing indirect fire.  I know to hit the ground for two minutes and then book it to the nearest bunker. 

I spent the first 3 months at Camp Phoenix, in Kabul, which does not get rocketed due to its proximity to civilians.  Also, the land is owned by a warlord who does not take kindly to his property being blown up. 

I recently relocated to Bagram, which is regularly targeted, and experienced my first rocket attack at another base while I was en route here. I'm glad to say that I conducted myself with dignity, and did not cry, defecate, or hide under a table.

I wasn't really sure how to prepare myself for going to a place where people were actively going to be trying to kill me. I still am not prepared for that, but the scary reality is that through the months of May and June, the news reported shooting after shooting back in the U.S. I actually felt as if I was just as safe right where I was.

FF:  Have you experienced anything that's shocked, scared, or surprised you?

JK:  My first experience with live fire was while flying in a Chinook on my way to Camp Phoenix from BAF (Bagram). I was feeling pretty bad-ass wearing my gear "for real", and then the gunner seemed to see something and jumped up to start shooting over the mountain range. I was surprised at my lack of a reaction. I didn't flinch.  I wasn't scared in the moment.  For sure, though, I spent a few hours wide awake that night, staring at the wall and thinking, "Holy shit, that just happened."

Last week, I was at a NATO base when I experienced my first rocket attack. I had left my tech in our barracks and ventured out to a deli alone for dinner. I was halfway into savoring a delicious slice of pizza after weeks of eating MREs (Meals Ready to Eat) when I heard BOOM!!!! My instinct was to throw myself underneath a table, but I calmly observed what others were doing and followed their lead.  Honestly, my first thought was to take another bite of pizza. I figured I was gonna savor it, if it was going to be the last thing I ever ate.  People ran into the deli for cover, and the 'incoming!’ sirens were going off, while I continued to calmly eat my pizza as if my heart wasn't trying to claw its way out of my chest. Although I had been off of sugar for a number of weeks, I then ordered some gelato. If there is any time you deserve some mother-fucking ice cream, it's during a rocket attack.

FF:  What has been the biggest challenge of deployment? 

JK:  Well, the deployment started with the biggest sacrifice I had made since joining the military.  I had to report for pre-deployment training the day before my best friend's wedding. I was maid-of-honor! If you had ever told me I would not be there for such a monumental occasion, I wouldn’t have believed it. I still can't believe it. But, I know that there have been plenty of others who have given up more, so after a brief pity party, I moved on and was able to watch the vows via FaceTime.

The boredom and monotony of the same thing day after day and the claustrophobia of knowing I am confined to a very small place are the biggest challenges for me. I can handle the work, since it's what I'm here for, and I hope I am making an impact.  Nonetheless, it can sometimes be a struggle for me to take care of myself when my coping skills revolve around being active and finding things to do instead of watching another TV show, reading another book, or even doing another workout. Being deployed almost feels like taking a time-out from life, and downtime becomes a constant daydream in which I think of all the things I want to do, places I want to see, and friends and family that I miss.

FF:  What has been the best part of your military experience so far?

JK:  Professionally, the best compliment I've gotten was after we put on a large July 4th event. Since Camp Phoenix was closing down, we had to scrounge for any inspiration and come up with creative, fun things to do.  This resulted in a gator pull (a gator is like a golf cart), an MAT-V pull (one of the big-ass military vehicles), a cornhole tournament, a "near beer" tournament, and an outdoor movie in the square.  Some tracer fire served as fireworks. A soldier approached me and thanked us for putting on the event, as it was a difficult day for him to be away from family.  He let us know, "You guys made me feel like I could have been attending an event back home." 

But hands down, it's the people I've met and friends I've made so far. There is really nothing quite like the bond you make with those you deploy with, and I happen to be with a pretty damn good group. You laugh, cry, emote, and talk about bodily functions more than you ever thought possible in such a relatively short period of time.

Aloha, Hawaii

FF:  How did you end up in Hawaii?

JK:  Hawaii was my first duty station. When people ask me how I got that as my first assignment I tell them, "I didn't ask for it and never expected to get it." I was originally supposed to go to Fort Knox, Kentucky.   Then, my orders changed to Vilseck, Germany.  Europe was my first choice. In the end, it changed to Hawaii just a few weeks before I left.

FF:  Why do you plan to return there after deployment?

JK:  The Army is "making me" (smiles).

Although it did take me a little longer to adjust to island living than expected, I have fallen inlove with Hawaii, and am struggling with whether to request an extension or move on, in order to experience something new. I have been to most of the islands in the chain: Kauai, Maui, Hawaii (The Big Island), Molokai--and of course, I live on Oahu. I love the diversity of the people who come through the islands, as well as meeting locals and learning more about the Hawaiian culture. I love exploring every mountain and beach.  I enjoy finding secret spots to make my own.


FF:  Can you share some of your adventures in Hawaii?

JK:  The adjustment to living in Hawaii was harder than I expected. I had a week of "Holy shit, I live in Hawaii!" before the reality of just how far away I was from family and friends sank in. I would sometimes stare out at the ocean and nearly FEEL the physical distance. 

After the novelty of living in paradise wore off, I started to feel very lonely and homesick. I joined whatever I could in order to meet new people- meetups, Couch Surfing, hiking clubs, and even an online dating site! 

Hiking is something I really fell in love with, and nearly every weekend I try to tackle a new and challenging hike. I usually choose ridge hikes that have steep grades and require some climbing. Whatever fear of heights I had growing up has completely gone away as I strive to get closer to the edge and climb the highest peaks I can.

I've had two big hiking adventures since moving to Hawaii.  One was backpacking the Kalalau Trail on the island of Kauai, which is frequently rated one of the most dangerous and beautiful hikes in the world. It was the first time I had been backpacking.  I carried 40 pounds through 11 miles (each way) of steep switchbacks and stream crossings, before reaching the most beautiful beach I have ever seen and camping for 2 nights there.

The second was the Waialeale Blue Hole Hike on Kauai. It was not one of the ridge hikes I am used to, but it required a guide and river crossings, which I found intriguing. One of the worst rainstorms in years ended up hitting that weekend, but our guide was crazy enough to let four female adventurers bully him into going anyway. This ended up being one of the most mentally and physically challenging hikes I have ever done, despite it not requiring climbing or cliffs. The river actually flooded behind us, and we had to swim to help each other through rapids on the way back. We were soaked and cold, and at times, I really wasn't sure we were going to make it out of there. But we all stuck together, kept positive, and helped each other over rocks, trees, and through rapids.

I've also seen flowing lava up close.  That ranks up there with the Northern Lights as one of the coolest things I have ever seen.

Words to the Wise

FF:  In your own words, what would you say makes you a FearLess Female?

JK:  I think a sense of adventure and willingness to try damn near anything just to have an experience are two things that make me a FF.  Being able to take advantage of my surroundings is also a good quality to have. Granted, I live in Hawaii, where it’s easy to have adventures and meet new people, but I guess you have to have the ability to be able to do those things in the first place. I pride myself on being the “planner” and bringing people together. When I say I want to do something or that I am going to do something, I DO it, rather than waiting on someone else to do it with me. Traveling or doing something solo usually just ends up being a great way to meet new people anyway.

FF:  What challenges have you faced and overcome to get to where you are now?

JK:  I think my biggest obstacle has been myself.  I want to cringe with the cheesiness of that answer.  I spent my 20s feeling directionless and like an outsider, before realizing that nothing was just going to happen to me.  I actually had to go out and do something to achieve the kind of life I want. Sure, unexpected opportunities come up all the time, but it’s up to you to make the decision to go after those opportunities.  I much prefer thinking “Well, that didn’t quite work out the way I planned” to “I wish I had…” Most of the time it has ended up with an even better outcome. 

My divorce also got me here. I think it really taught me how to rely on myself and go after what I want--even though that realization took years to actually set in. Despite the pain I went through then, I discovered a strength I didn’t know I had.  I discovered the importance of good girlfriends to help get you through difficult times. Although I don’t particularly enjoy that I was married and divorced before 30, if that was the only way to get me where I am now I would do it all again. You surely learn a lot trying to repair a broken heart.

FF:  What have you learned from those challenges?

JK:  I think the scariest thing in the world is regretting not going after something you want.  I guess that means maybe fear is what drives me.  Are you overcoming fear when that’s what pushes you? Fear of regret. Fear of being 85, wishing I had a good story to tell, or memory to reflect back on, or words of wisdom from experience to pass on to others. I don’t wanna be that boring old lady sitting in a chair and staring out the window.  I wanna be the crazy-looking one with a twinkle in her eye, mussed-up hair, and the kind of stories to tell that people will assume are made up or embellished, but they won’t be. They’ll be real things that happened and hopefully will inspire others to get out there and have some adventures of their own.

I’ve learned that doing something--even if it’s different, scary, hard, or frustrating--is always better than doing nothing at all. 

That following my gut has almost always gotten me where I need to be. 

To not worry about what others think, or follow what they would do. 

I also think that owning your mistakes goes a long way towards being happy. You can lose so much time in blaming others for things and feeling helpless, instead of really examining what went wrong and deciding what you would do differently if the same or similar situation presented itself. Even in those rare cases where you can find no fault, you can accept that the universe wanted that particular outcome. 

I’ve found that usually something positive happens in the end - even if it’s months or years later. 

Sure, now and again I’ll let myself have a pity party, but it always begins with some parameters like “Okay, Jess. You have an hour to feel sorry for yourself. Use it wisely."

FF:  Will you be facing any challenges, wanted or unwanted, in the foreseeable future?

JK:  Oh, I hope so! No one ever really learns much from the things that go exactly as planned, right? 

With the military cutting down the way it is, I think my biggest (foreseen) challenges will revolve around that--whether to stay in, whether I will even be allowed to stay in, whether I want to switch to a different branch, or whether I really have it in me to go back to school for a second Master’s.  I’m toying with a Public Health degree. 

If I do stay in, there is always that element of not feeling like you have full control over your life, in terms of where the military will send you.  My biggest fear is that I will be stationed in a tiny town with no diversity or options for travel and I’ll be miserable. But then I think, “Well, you’ll just have to try new things there…or read a lot.” (smiles)

FF:  Suppose a fellow female looked at you and said, "Wow!  I could never do what you've done!"  How would you respond?  What advice would you give them to overcome their own fear?

JK:  I actually get this a lot, especially when people are realizing that I joined the military at a relatively “advanced” age! 

Usually I say, “What have you got to lose?”  I am the happiest ever, since I learned to take every opportunity--even the small ones--to learn something about myself or experience something new. 

It’s so much more fun to view life as a constant adventure, instead of getting caught up in the ‘I could never do that because’ excuses. For me, coming up with reasons NOT to do something is more exhausting than just doing it!